Good Times In Potions
by Subtle Overtones
Summary: A silly little fanfic, and a parody of all those silly HGSS fics out there...mostly based on real life. Not intended to be taken seriously as a real story. complete


Good Times In Potions  
  
Notes on the story: Large chunks of the dialogue in this story are actually from conversations I've had with my friends in our Biology class. To explain some of it, it might help to know that all three of us are girls. I have nothing against gay people, but I had to add that little bit for it to make sense.but the first part was actually said. The randomer/more inappropriate the comment, the more likely it is that it actually was said. Snape is totally OOC because I'm modeling him after my teacher. Rated PG for language. I have nothing against Snape. I love Snape. He's my fave character, and Alan Rickman is awesome. But enough said. Onward! I own none of this. J.K. Rowling as a goddess, and sadly, HP and all related things (including $$) belong to her.  
  
Cautions: Ethanol is a poison! ;-)  
  
Hermione, Ron, and Harry were all huddling at the back of the Potions classroom, praying that Snape wouldn't notice them talking instead of mashing the Muggle spinach in the mortar that he had allotted each of them. "I hate that man, Ron, I really do," sighed Hermione.  
  
"Suuuuuure you do, Hermione," giggled Harry. "We all know you're madly in love with a 56 year old man! Greasy too.old enough to be your father!"  
  
Hermione blushed up to her hairline. "Ooooh! Hermione's blushing!" cackled Harry.  
  
"I am not!" cried Hermione, blushing even darker.  
  
"Right. You just keep telling yourself that." replied Harry. "I mean, if I liked him, I would just say it.even though.I'm Harry Potter.and it would be sort of homosexual.but I would still say it!"  
  
Ron leaned over across the table. "Hey, does it disturb anyone that Snape rhymes with rape?" Snape, seeming not to hear the quiet conversation in the back of the room, rose from his hunched position at his desk and surveyed the classroom. "Today," he announced softly, "We shall be diverging a bit from the usual Potions curriculum. We will be working with Muggle chemicals so you can learn a little about Muggle science. You will be learning about what they call DNA."  
  
He quickly moved around the room, distributing different ingredients for the work. He was about to go back to reading his favorite book, 100 Killing Poisons when he noticed that Hermione wasn't working. "Hermione, close your mouth and keep pounding the damn spinach!" He waited for a moment, and when she showed no sign of moving, he snapped "Draco. Go help the stupid Gryffindors that can't even do simple tasks!" and with that he retired back to his desk. Draco glided over to their table. "Having problems?" he smirked.  
  
"Just pound the damn spinach, Draco," snarled Hermione, who was by now in a foul mood. Ron called over Professor Snape.  
  
"Is it supposed to look like this?" He glanced in. "No. Make it mushier. Cream it. Be a cook!" and with that he danced off to the other groups.  
  
TEN MINUTES LATER..  
  
"OKAY ALREADY DRACO! IT'S CREAMY, DAMMIT!" groaned Ron. Draco scowled, but complied. The group quickly sailed through the rest of the work.until it got to be time to add the Muggle chemical ethanol.which Hermione poured all over her robes while staring dreamily at a certain professor. "You dork!" cried Ron and smacked her upside the head.  
  
"Uhhhh.you guys? Is it supposed to bubble like that?" murmured Harry.  
  
"No, it isn't," answered an oily voice behind him. All three spun around to face Snape. "Why don't you drink it, Hermione, and see if it hurts you, seeing as you didn't seem to get any in the beaker.it's on your robes." he sneered. "Uh.umm..er.uh.okay." stammered Hermione. Down the hatch it went.  
  
"Gaaah ehhh akkk huhhhhhh.." Said Hermione.  
  
"Oh man, that does not sound healthy," murmmered Harry to Ron.  
  
"No kidding," replied Ron. At this point, they stopped, seeing as how Hermione had fallen on the floor and begun to twitch. Snape scowled. "Foolish child. You, Harry and Ron, take her to the infirmary." The two boys quickly dragged her and hauled her out of the dungeon.  
  
A FEW WEEKS LATER  
  
"Oh man, Snape looks way too happy." groaned Ron.  
  
"Yeah.." Said Harry, then trailed off as Snape sailed to the front of the classroom.  
  
"Okie dokie, everybody. We're going to start a fruit fly lab!" Snape announced. Everyone groaned. Everyone nearly fell asleep during the ensuing lecture, except for Hermione, who was furiously scribbling notes. That is, they napped until they suddenly heard "..if I had sex combs." from Snape. Harry sat up, suddenly. "What? Sex? What!?" The class cracked up.  
  
"What I was saying, Mr. Potter, if you had been paying attention," continued Snape icily, "was the way to identify male and female flies. If I had sex combs-which I don't-they would be right here." He gestured. "As Ms. Granger has been taking notes, ask her for the ingredients and such. Come to me for your frozen flies when ready."  
  
The group worked well, including Draco. The next few weeks were uneventful except for comments such as:  
  
"Omigod it's TWITCHING!"  
  
"Die already, stupid flies!"  
  
"Umm..it's headless.."  
  
"What's that gooey stuff?"  
  
"OHMIGOD THEY'RE WALKING AROUND!!!"  
  
But the best part of the entire class was talking about mutations. Snape was using the temporary Muteo Changeo potion on students to show how mutations would affect them. After, he asked, "So, what things to you think of when you hear the word 'mutation'?" "Genes!" "Ninja Turtles?" "Good!" "Changes?" "Siamese twins?"  
  
"No. Next." "Bad!" But Draco's took the cake. Without thinking, he threw up his hand and shouted "What about incest??" the class groaned.  
  
"Geez Draco, shut up!" hissed Hermione. Snape shook his head and pressed his fingers to his forehead. "That's all for today, class," he murmered. "Now go away and don't come back for a while." 


End file.
